l I am a
medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology
at the Poison Control Center. Today, this woman called in very upset
she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her
the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her
into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation
to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order
kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the
room right away.
Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the field decided to
a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it
of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, they
quite surprised by a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It
out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator that is
when the raft is inflated. They are no longer employed there.
A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown
of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put
your muny in this bag." While standing in line waiting to give his note
the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note
might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left
Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a
minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read
and surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest
in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note
it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would
have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells
teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later,
he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
Drug Possession Defendant, Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in
Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor
the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's
could have been a gun. "Nonsense," said Christopher, who happened
be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the
could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket
laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself.
Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial in a district court for the
robbery of a convenience store when he fired his lawyer. Assistant
Attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending
until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton
up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should have blown your
head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "if I'd been the
that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and
a 30-year sentence.
R.C. Gaitlan, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing
squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood.
he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for
Gaitlan gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the
and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the
showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St.
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all
cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the
saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf.
told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said
I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the
still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this
the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to
clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact
21, and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from
store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave
name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They
the robber two hours later.
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving
The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the
first bandit shot him.
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high
desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, a woman, new to
was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't
her brand new 22-ft Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a
at all and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how
much power she applied. After
about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby
marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong. A thorough topside
revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine,
outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So,
of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up
on water and reported that the boat was still strapped to the trailer.
DARWIN AWARDS (the
Recently, when I went to
saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken
I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets,"
the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only
six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half
nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and
The paragraph above doesn't
because of what happened a couple of months ago. I was checking out at
local Food land with just a few items and the lady behind me put her
on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those
that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so
they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items,
she picked up the "Divider" looking it all over for the bar code so she
could scan it.
Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this
I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that
said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to
had just happened.
A lady at work was seen
putting a credit
card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When
as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the
and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM
I recently saw a distraught
weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She
"I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door
Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a
convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do
have an alarm too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she
answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key
and manually unlocked
the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about
batteries. It's a long walk."
Several years ago, we had an
was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary
said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier
paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last
blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make
I was in a car dealership a
when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of
vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked
an extra in Twister. I asked the manager what had happened. He told me
the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back
to make a sandwich.
IDIOTS & COMPUTERS...
My neighbor works in the
in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field
him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a
from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question:
got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire
Police in Radnor,
a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it
wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in
copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the
wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the