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l I am a
medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology
at the Poison Control Center. Today, this woman called in very upset
because
she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her
that
the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her
daughter
into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation
happened
to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order
to
kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the
Emergency
room right away.
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Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the field decided to
steal
a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it
out
of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, they
were
quite surprised by a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It
turned
out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator that is
activated
when the raft is inflated. They are no longer employed there.
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A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown
Bank
of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put
all
your muny in this bag." While standing in line waiting to give his note
to
the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note
and
might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left
the
Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a
few
minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read
it
and surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest
light
in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note
because
it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would
either
have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of
America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells
Fargo
teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later,
as
he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
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Drug Possession Defendant, Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in
Pontiac,
Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor
said
the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's
jacket
could have been a gun. "Nonsense," said Christopher, who happened
to
be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the
judge
could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket
and
laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself.
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Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial in a district court for the
armed
robbery of a convenience store when he fired his lawyer. Assistant
District
Attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending
himself
until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton
jumped
up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should have blown your
(expletive)
head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "if I'd been the
one
that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and
recommended
a 30-year sentence.
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R.C. Gaitlan, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing
their
squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood.
When
he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for
identification.
Gaitlan gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the
computer,
and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the
screen
showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St.
Louis,
Missouri.
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A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all
the
cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the
robber
saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf.
He
told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said
"Because
I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the
clerk
still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this
point
the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to
the
clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact
over
21, and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from
the
store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave
the
name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They
arrested
the robber two hours later.
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A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving
revolvers.
The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the
startled
first bandit shot him.
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Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high
desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, a woman, new to
boating
was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't
get
her brand new 22-ft Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a
plane
at all and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how
much power she applied. After
about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby
marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong. A thorough topside
check
revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine,
the
outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So,
one
of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up
somewhat choking
on water and reported that the boat was still strapped to the trailer.
DARWIN AWARDS (the
original):
ONE
Recently, when I went to
McDonald's I
saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken
McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets,"
said
the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only
have
six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half
dozen
nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and
ordered
six McNuggets.
TWO
The paragraph above doesn't
amaze me
because of what happened a couple of months ago. I was checking out at
the
local Food land with just a few items and the lady behind me put her
things
on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those
"Dividers"
that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so
they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items,
she picked up the "Divider" looking it all over for the bar code so she
could scan it.
Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this
is?"
I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that
today." She
said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to
what
had just happened.
THREE
A lady at work was seen
putting a credit
card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When
inquired
as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the
Internet
and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM
"thingy."
FOUR
I recently saw a distraught
young lady
weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She
replied,
"I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door
unlocker.
Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a
distant
convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do
you
have an alarm too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she
answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key
and manually unlocked
the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about
the
batteries. It's a long walk."
FIVE
Several years ago, we had an
Intern who
was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary
and
said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier
machine
paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last
remaining
blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make
five
"blank" copies.
SIX
I was in a car dealership a
while ago,
when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of
the
vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked
like
an extra in Twister. I asked the manager what had happened. He told me
that
the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back
to make a sandwich.
SEVEN
IDIOTS & COMPUTERS...
My neighbor works in the
operations department
in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field
call
him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a
call
from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question:
"I've
got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire
downtown?"
EIGHT
Police in Radnor,
Pennsylvania, interrogated
a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it
with
wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in
the
copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the
suspect
wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the
suspect confessed.
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