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> Horn
broken. Watch for finger.
> Your
kid
may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
> All
generalizations are false.
> Cover
me.
I'm changing lanes.
> I
brake for no apparent reason.
> Learn
from
your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
> I'm
not as think as you drunk I am.
> Visualize
using turn signals.
> We
have enough youth -- how about a fountain of Smart?
> He
who laughs
last thinks slowest.
> Lottery:
A tax on people who are bad at math.
> It IS
as
bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
> Auntie
Em,
Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
> Change
is
inevitable, except from a vending machine.
> Time
is
what keeps everything from happening at once.
> I
love cats...they
taste just like chicken.
> Out
of my
mind. Back in five minutes.
> Forget
the
Joneses, we keep up with the Simpsons.
> Born
free...Taxed
to death.
> The
more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
> Laugh
alone
and the world thinks you're an idiot.
> Rehab
is
for quitters.
> I get
enough
exercise just pushing my luck.
> Sometimes
I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep.
> All
women
are idiots, and I married their Queen.
> Work
is
for people who don't know how to fish.
> Montana:
At least our cows are sane!
> I
didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
> Women
who
seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
> If
you don't
like the news, go out and make some.
> Tell
me
to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist.
> IRS: We've got what it takes to
take what
you've got.
> Time is the
best
teacher; unfortunately it kills all of its students.
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> Some
people
are only alive because it is illegal to kill them.
> Pride
is
what we have. Vanity is what others have.
> A
bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
> Reality?
Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?
> How
can I miss you if you won't go away?
> Warning:
Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
> Give
me
ambiguity or give me something else.
> We
are born
naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
> Make
it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
> Always
remember
you're unique, just like everyone else.
> Friends
help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
> Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
> Puritanism:
The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
> Consciousness:
That annoying time between naps.
> i
souport publik edekashun.
> Be
nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
> Beauty
is
in the eye of the beer holder...
> There
are
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
> Why
is 'abbreviation'
such a long word?
> Ever
stop
to think and forget to start again?
> When
you
do a good deed, get a receipt in case heaven is like the IRS.
> Sorry,
I
don't date outside my species.
> No
radio - Already stolen.
> Reality
is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
> Real
women
don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
> I
took an
IQ test and the results were negative.
> Where
there's
a will, I want to be in it.
> OK,
who stopped payment on my reality check?
> Few
women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
> I
don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
> Hard
work
has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
> It's
lonely
at the top, but you eat better.
> According
to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
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